Wednesday, July 30, 2008

The one about what you’ve all been wanting to ask, but haven’t….

“Have you guys thought about having more kids?”
I know, simple question, right? But whenever I hear it, I feel like minutes go by without anything coming out of my mouth. Sometimes, I even feel like at that moment, I should turn, run away, and hide behind the nearest big thing. Sometimes it’s because I just don’t feel like talking about it again; sometimes it’s because I just don’t know what to say. Sometimes I handle it with no problems, and others, I can’t seem to even open my mouth without the tears starting.

So in answer to your question, here goes…… OF COURSE we’ve thought about it. We probably started thinking about it even before Mara was born. As you may know, when I was pregnant with Mara, I had a “little” case of morning sickness that landed me in the ER with iv’s and medication for the rest of my pregnancy. I made best friends with the toilet bowl, pulled over more times than I can count on my way to work, and carried bags and gum with me everywhere I went. This didn’t end…until Mara was born. I was running 3 miles a day before we found out we were pregnant; two weeks later, I could barely walk up the stairs with Josh holding me up. I was that weak. So when we started talking seriously about getting pregnant again (last summer), it was a scary time for both of us. Of course we wanted another baby, but the 9 months of pure awfulness?

We decided to try around the holidays, and on January 15, I started throwing up. I was about 3 weeks pregnant. I remember having customers in town soon after finding out and being out to dinner with them, sick the entire time. I threw up the next week, and then the rest of the week seemed okay to me…not better or worse. Just blech! I had called to set up my first few appointments, and since I obviously find out early on when I’m pregnant, I had to wait about a month before being seen (at the normal 8 week visit). And then, I started feeling better. I was still tired, but the vomiting stopped. This was not normal, and I knew it. I called the doctor and went in for blood work, which showed that I was definitely pregnant. Something still didn’t feel right, so the doctor put me on Progesterone just to be safe.

The weeks passed, and I spoke to a few close friends about my feelings. I was beginning to question what was going on in my body. I tried my hardest to have faith and be at peace, and I honestly felt that I was prepared for whatever would happen at the time. The day of the first ultrasound came, and as I lay on the table with Josh in the room, I knew what they were about to tell us. Our little one did not develop passed 6-7 weeks, and I was supposed to be 10 weeks pregnant. It had stopped progressing, and there was nothing we could do.

In the months since February, I have really struggled with this miscarriage. I haven’t wanted to talk about it, but at the same time, I have. I have debated innumerable times whether or not to post about it, and then, I decided that this is something that I write for me. It’s my blog, and I’ll post about my feelings. So let me tell you that miscarriage totally sucks. Yes, I have learned spiritually from this experience. Yes, I think that Josh and I have another connection that has made us stronger in our marriage. And Yes, I know that I just cherish every moment with Mara even more. But miscarriage really does totally suck.

So in answer to the question that you may have been wanting to ask but haven’t- or in the case of some, the question you may have already asked and haven’t received an answer- of course we want more children. And we’ll be so excited when the time comes that we can have another. It’s just kind of a hard subject to deal with right now.

Now, on another note—that’s not nearly as depressing—our lives have been filled with so much GOODNESS right now. Yes, we’re stressed. Yes, Josh is studying his brains out with chemistry this and biology that. Yes, applications are a nightmare…and SOO exciting at the same time. And yes, application fees are enough to have caused us to have a conversation about organ harvesting, but it’s a good time.

Mara is getting to be such a big girl. She’s been potty trained for about 8 months now, and she is so fabulous at going potty. The girl LOVES to swim, and she does a great job. She loves to jump in All.By.Her.Self! She floats and kicks and blows bubbles, and you know I beam every time I see her do it. She’s also developed a little sassy streak. The other day, she was in the car with my mom when she had to go potty. Mara told her, and my mom said, “Oh, man!” because they had just left the house. Mara quickly responded with, “Don’t you ‘Oh, Man’ me!” I thought it was so funny!

And finally, my sister (in-law) has moved in with us for a while. We love having her, and Mara has loved having Aunt Rachie at home… the fact that we have a puppy now!


Mike and Sam Berry said...

Sorry to hear about the miscarriage. I am SO glad to read that your adorable little family is doing well. Yay for Mara being potty trained and so well! That is hilarious about her little sassy side. =)

The Horn Family said...

Oh Nicole, I'm so sorry.
Yeah, for Mara and potty training and swimming.

The Wyler Family said...

it's so good to hear from you again. i'm sorry about the miscarriage. you are an incredible woman. i miss you!

PB & J said...

Good post. I hope it's liberating getting that off your chest and hopefully will help even more with the healing process.
You guys are doing great and are such a cute family!

moosh in indy. said...

I didn't know you were an HG girl! No wonder our kids got along, their moms were barf bags!
And so sorry about the miscarriage. Way bummer.

Kristin.... said...

Found you thru Moosh....

I've been there~two miscarriages. And it does suck. But it does get better, I promise. I had 3 more kids (twins!) after my miscarriages. I'm sorry you've had to go thru that.

I hope you'll stop by and read; I just blogged about this same thing this week (and on